______________*****In nEeD Of MuSiC*****_____________

Sunday, June 25, 2006

For many times i thought all was just over. As in those craps.. But then when im starting to get okay, memories just bring me down. Im just a fallen christian. Hey, NOT GOOD!!!

The Lord is good.. Praise the Lord.. Went to FCBC on sat for the Heaven's Gate Hell's flame. Those people in the drama really reflects some of me... Those going to hell.. yeah.. Lots of excuses when they reach the gates of heaven and then saying that they have reason for sinning.

The ones of take drugs.. Its peer pressure. One who lost her love ones.. The Psychics says there's no life after death, EVolution or something. Crap.. And those who go heaven, rejoicing all the time.. PRaise the Lord..

During the scene when this woman hugged Jesus, i cried.. Because im thinking in my mind of when will be me who will be hugging Jesus Christ.. Thats a prayer though...

Having a thought in my mind.. How can i grow? Thats to return... Backslided... But i wanna serve God. But then it seems like there's nobody to guide me. I need someone... Someone spiritual...

Now i understand what you mean... Dont understand.. yeah.. been a fool for quite some times... hAiz.. how i wish i can turn back the clock.. But then it seems like its all in the plan.. But i really wish to be like the past... Without mistakes... hAiz..

The Lord is my Shepherd!!! Praise the Lord...

8:06 AM

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Saw her twice... but yet i cant approach her... what is this man?? i hate the feeling when i have to avoid someone in places that i go.. i hate it when i cant enjoy somethings with my friends when that person is around...

the place WTC.. the place where lots of efc pple go... saw her twice... the second time is just yesterday.. or rather this morning at around 12++... lost all the mood to watch soccer.. in the first place i've no interest.. just wanna slack outside.. went to tat quiet places where there are lots of benches there.. i just sat there and tears just roll out of my eyes... prayed.. hard.. and just wish that God will just come and hug me and just wipe my tears away.. SAying of moving on...

its not as easy as you think it can be... because the love is just rooted in my hard.. deeply rooted.. im sorry for saying all those craps... and i dont mean them.. i meant other things.. hAiz..

Thanks for loving me.. thanks for at least trying to let go of something which is so hard for you for that period of time...

And thinking through, i know all that you can hate me for...

and that j is really not me... i just need you to trust me on that... haiz..

what is meaningless to all of you guys/girls?? to me, everything is meaningless.. nothing's new on earth.. i dunno how to explain.. its not that the things that you all do are wrong. but its just meaningless.. i've tried so many things to fill this emptiness after she left..

I drank beer, wine.. i even smoke.. but then smoking doesnt suit me.. so i wont continue. it suck man to know that the things that i do disappoint GOd and it breaks His heart... My heart has really soften till like cake being smashed.. hard..

My first time crying for so many days and so easily.. I just want God to save me out of here, out of all this problems that im in now.. i just wanna go home.. Heaven... but i dont think i have the criterial to get into heaven now.. maybe if i die now, hell is where i'll spend my eternity.. But i just miss God so much..

THank God that He had sent a friend whom i can really confide in.. Keeping all those things to yourself.. Thanks for caring for me yA? All these while listening to all my complainings and its just rubbish because i dont trust God.. Ive stumbled many pple during this time of depression... Nowim stil in this depression.. But i'll start to preach again.. and God will restore my Joy. The JOY OF HIS SALVATION!!!

10:47 PM

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Just read something that really hurts me. But because of that, i'll move on.

My guess was correct... old lover... yeah.. know you'll be reading this.. so this is for you.

Thanks for spelling it on your blog.the new one. I've read everything about me. Yeah, every girl that i date, they are just blind in choosing me. 5 months, it has been sweet. Its cool. I love it. When you love someone, yeah you love them so deeply.. But i can tell you arent letting go... Thats why i dont have the sense of security with me. But anyway.. its over... and i dont have to look for answer anymore... Cause you've told me yourself indirectly though. Thanks for everything, for telling it to others too.

And ya, Rachel is just a drummer in my church. So what if she is nice and beautiful? You also dont understand me at all... Yea, both sides.

But i can say that you are really nice to me during the r'ship and i thank you so much for these five tormenting months for you, with you by my side. I just dont wanna quarrel anymore... I dont want any "after breaking off" sickness when we cant even be friends... I really dunno what made you hate me so much...

I'll try to move on... Will stop destroying my life now. Thank you...

My journal of pain stops here.

2:12 PM

weihoong's house BBQing... wow... it sure was fun.. yeah... but to me, its meaningless anyway.. Its just something that i do because im bored... i dont really enjoy myself.. because not one is anyone closer to me compared to last time.. all my friends are gone. even her..gone forever. And smoking and drinking... i sure can drink alot.. but i cant smoke.. just felt dizzy.. so i wont get hooked and i dont intend to smoke anymore... it just suck..

thursday night... saw her so happily... while im by the side watching her, being hurt inside. and its like so near yet so far. i cant approach her.. i cant talk to her.. so whats the point. It really breaks my heart. Ive backslided. trying to find new meaning... But God is still real...

So Lord, when can i return to you?? Im always thinking about dying... i dont wish to stay in this meaningless world anymore. But if i die, where will i go? I wanna worship God forever, not burn... so when.......................................

im missing her like crazy everyday... But yet...

1:43 PM

Monday, June 12, 2006

thInking for so long and combining everything together... i think there's no love in the first place.
Im just a buoy that leads you to the shore once again... i dunno why im thinking so much.. i dunno why... whats there for me now... hAiz..

God where are you? hAiz... He's here... but i dunno why i just cant go back to Him... backsliden christian now and i hate it... when can i get back to God again? ... hAiz...

10:04 PM

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Why Dont i just diE????

Wont it be better????

Then there wont be so much hurts, so much sorrows. No misunderstand. No more problems in TRUSTING!!! SomEthiNG which is so imporTAnT.

Then there will be begging for another chanCE.

11:27 PM

Sunday, June 04, 2006

What is my purpose in life... what is it that i am striving for so hard everyday? I have God everyday with me... I know... But what is the meaning of LIFE??? Am i born to just being rejected? Am i born to be torture in this life? IF there is no hell. I would have committed suicide and can go and see the Lord... My heavenly Father... I miss God.. i miss Him..

Everytime i think of what life is, i think of my past, my dar.. I dunno why.. ever since the break up, it just seem to me that im back to reality where evrything seem so meaningless. Maybe its during that relationship i've neglected God, and then just do everything because of her. And now there's so much brokeness.. SO much hurt, so much pain in me. Im standing alone to fight my own battles. There's no one who cares for me, no one who really wanna understand me even when i tried to tell them. No one. There is just nobody who wanna come in my life, to share my burden.

I have God with me... I have... I have most of the knowledge that many CHRISTIANS dont have. But the more knowledge i have, the more sorrows i have too.. The more time on earth, the more i'll just sink into hardships, pains, sorrows. I hate all this.. i hate all this. I always cry out to God... i always do... i wont wanna doubt God because i have experienced His love for me, All that He has done for me.

Maybe i'm like a butterfly still in the cuccoon struggling to come out. But its really painful. Why are there memories. What cant they be erased... So what if its to strengthen me? I wont want iT. I dont want All thESE!!!

Where are my true friends who have been with me last time? Where are those who have encouraged me and all whom i have encouraged? They just disappear. Like Soloman said in Ecclesiastes, nothing is new... Nothing... All is just VANITY and ChasinG after the winds.

Achievements, Goals, Targets, Passion for something. So what if i have achieve all that? Winning a race? I've won something. So what? Afterall it will just pass away like nothing. No one will care about it. Will anyone care about a king in the past who have destroy many of his enemies? NO!! All are just past glories... Its over now and he's dead. Who would care?? Nobody.

Man are selfish... Very selfish. Caring about his own things. But whats life? Life is meaningless..

But i still trust in the Lord God almight who have Brought me out of my troubles, my sorrows, and He's by my side when all had left me. He is my rock and my redeemer!!! Jesus Christ.

God is good even when i m down. I will praise the Lord for He is Good, and He's merciful His love is great and He is WONDERFUL!!!

The Lord bless and protects all. Gives strength to all who are weary in Hearts... I love all of you guys..

Still missing my precious sweetheart...

10:03 PM